if you want to thoroughly understand this post please read my previous posts entitled i am more than what it seems and thank you my soulcast readers.
 
ever since i was small my mother never did told me that i was beautiful. she always says that when i was young i was cute and now i look like a whale. or she always take pride when my classmates were surprise how young my mother looked. my earliest memory of her telling me how ugly i was when i was 10 years old. my teacher wanted me to be the representative for our miss u.n. in school. in the philippines this usally means i have to wear a gown and have to be parade around our community. it is not a beauty contest but the winner is someone who has the most ticket sales for the charity. usually they choose girls who are rich and pretty. my mother was shocked when my teacher told her that i should be the representative. and because my teacher thought i was pretty. that i could be pretty too. then there times when we walked together in the streets and she always tells me to straigthen my back or i shouldn't pout my lips because they are too big. or i should have my nose fix when i have a job someday. or i should lose weight because i'm fat eventhough at that time i was not. or i should be like more of my friends and classmates because they all look pretty and thin.
 
for years those comments has left some scars on me.
 
i dont really have a normal realtionship with my mother growing up. we move around a lot. at first we live in manila and then here in iloilo and back and forth. until my mother decided that me and my siblings should stay here in iloilo with grandparents. and i started living here since ten until now.
 
look i know i may sound ungrateful to my mother but i am grateful to her and my father. i know we were poor and they have to find means for us to survive and have a normal life. i'm grateful to them doubt about it. and i know she loves me but sometimes i feel like i'm not enough for her.
 
today our life is comfortable than before. we have our own business and we could spend more than before.
 
but it has gotten worse.
 
now that i'm 21 she is still doing it. when i was young my siblings always teases me and call me fat. when i tell my mother about this she would said, "that should be your motivation to slim down because you are indeed fat." it got worse i didnt lose weight i gain more.
 
nowadays she "advices" me on exercise and on diets. she even tells me to take on pills to slim down. she even offered me to have liposuction on me. and i said no to all.
 
and yes i talked about her that i want to lose weight on my own without the help of that stuff. but she still keep insist.i think she's deaf about this stuff when i tell her about it. she would just turn around the tables and tell me that she just wanted to help and then she makes me feel guilty about it. only to realize in the end that i was the one getting hurt with our discussion. so yes i talked to her all my feeling about this.
 
she even blamed me about my pimples but she stopped when the dermatologies herself told her that my pimples are hereditary and not my fault. she thinks i'm lazy, fat and slob.
 
and i am.
 
it hurts when yur own mother tells you youre ugly. it hurts that when she looked at you she feel pity because people think i'm useless because i'm ugly. it hurts that your own mother tells you that you are missing out because you never had a boyfriend.
 
i answered her back by saying at least i didn't get pregnant. but she sys it's a shame that no guy likes me.
 
when my mother was young she was very beautiful and has so many boyfriends and suitors. she was never fat until she got pregnant and she dresses well. she got a big personality that's why many people like her.
 
but underneath it all i saw something that many people dont.
 
she is so insecure. and she projected it unto me. i never realize it until i saw a show on oprah about it. and the i realize that she is. she always emphasize what other people will think rather what you think yourself.
 
i love my mother and we are okay now. i now that even after all of this she is proud of having me as her daughter. she told me so herself. but how i wish that she would not brought me up feeling ugly and insecure. now i'm scared that if i have a daughter someday i might do this to her as well. i have to break that cycle. 
 
that's why losing this weight very important for me. i'm doing this for myself and not for others.
 
i'm not doing this just because i could have a boyfriend. (but wouldn't it be nice that i had a boyfriend eventhough i'm fat?) or because i could be notice. (well yeah i want to be notice too who wouldn't?)
 
but i'm doing this for myself. to prove it myself that i could be anything i want to be.
 
i want to be beautiful for me. and right now i feel beautiful. and no one could take that away from me. =)
 
 
 


Comments

  • secretlife said Mar 10, 2007...
    mothers words can surely hurt queen.... i'm sorry your mom said these things to you.    i hope you can find a way to see yourself and like what you see....and let the words of those around you go in one ear and out the other....   the trick is to like yourself first queen....really and truly like yourself.
  • queenparanoia said Mar 10, 2007...
    thanks secret: yup i'm doing it. and i know this is a slow process but i know i could do this...
  • dailyachesandpains said Mar 10, 2007...
    Queen:  We both have a lot in common.  Our weight (I think it's in both of our heads) and our mother's.  I was never smart enough, never pretty enough never 'enough' of anything for my Mother.    When I did model, my Mother compared me to every other girl.  I was getting jobs, but she would STILL compare me.  My Sisters are both way over weight, so I was only good in her eyes as the skinny daughter, but with no brain.  I couldn't do anything right by her.  She would come to me and ask me to tell my Sisters about their weight because she couldn't get through to them.  NO WAY would I ever do that to them, they KNOW they have problems with their weight (as do I but opposite) and they don't need anyone else to cut them down like my mother.  She's asked me to ask them to consider surgery.  One of them has had an experimental surgery that failed and the other one considered it, but the risks scared the hell out of her.  What bothers me most is that she's very religious but won't hesitate to insult any of her girls.   She got so much better, with me, when I picked up and moved across the country.  She actually missed me and felt guilty.  Oddly, I'm back around her now, and she only told me that a week ago how worried she was about me and how much she did miss me.  Things got even better when little daily was born.  She still drives me nuts.   I looked at your pictures and you ARE beautiful!  KNOW this!   Keep writing it out, that's what makes me feel better and I hope it works for you too!  That's why I posted last night.    {{{hugs}}} Daily
  • Katana said Mar 10, 2007...
    I saw your photo and read your posts, thanks for welcoming me.You are a beautiful person, I'm sorry your Mum said those harsh words to you. People just don't understand how words can affect someone.Try not to be scarred by her words, let it go through one ear and out the other.Rise above it, start thinking positive and good about yourself. I believe you are beautiful; both inside and out.Here's a quote for you: Beauty comes as much from the mind as from the eye.  ~Grey Livingston
  • polarheart said Mar 10, 2007...
    Queen and Daily, it hurts me when I read about the hurt your own moms have caused you.    Queen, the part you said about not ever wanting to hurt your own children like that one day is something I thought about my dad when I was young.  He use to drink and become very cutting with his tongue.  I dreaded having children for fear that I would ever hurt them with my tongue the way he hurt me.  Something that I made my mind up about is that the opinions of mothers and fathers are not the be all and end all of our world. . .we need to find our own truth; and there are many who can help us along the way, esp God, who loves us more than life.   love Polar
  • kruuyai said Mar 10, 2007...
    queen:  You are so amazingly perceptive!  I was thinking the same thing when I started reading about your mother's putdowns.  I thought, "She's seeing herself in queen, and she's projecting her own insecurities on her."  My mother used to do the same thing.  I inherited her flatchestedness, and instead of supporting me through those teenage years when all the other girls were making derogatory remarks, she actually put me down for it.  She used to comment on my younger sister's big boobs as if she were so proud of herself for having produced offspring with boobs.  I was just a reminder of her own perceived inadequacies.  Well, how wonderful for you to have this insight into her at such a young age, so you don't have to own it and carry it around for your whole life.  Now that you know the issues are hers and not yours, I hope you can let go of them.  I'm sorry you've had to experience the pain of your mother's criticism, but you are an intelligent  and loving, beautiful woman, and you will get past this. 
  • boyzmom said Mar 10, 2007...
    I felt bad that my sister used to tease me about my weight, god forbid if an adult would have said something. I am glad I was able to get past that and am very surprised that a young lady like you have not let this hurt your self esteem for the long run. You are very wise queen! You would be a great role model for young people that struggle with weight.
  • Chaotica said Mar 10, 2007...
    you are beautiful. i have never seen you, but i know that you are. G*d doesn't create ugly things. He doesn't make mistakes, freaks, or monsters. Only the words we use make beautiful things ugly.
  • queenparanoia said Mar 10, 2007...
    daily: wow you are model!!! well you look like jennifer gardner (actually you are much more prettier!). no wonder we have these issues with food ever since young our mother has shoving it in our consciousness. yup my mother is religious too. a hardcore catholic if i may add. but she always put me down in her own way. and yup she compared me to my sisters too. my younger sister who is thin. my sister actually never has a problem onmy weight and i'm not jealous with hers but she is the one who is putting so much drama on it. can't they see that we got hurt from comments like these???   katana: thank you dear and that was a nice qoute.   polar: yup i have some fears that maybe someday i would project my insecurities to my daughter as well. that is why i got to stop these cycle. its hard but i know i can do it.   kruu: its sad that our mother couldn't see that their words could have a major impact on our lives and we couldn't dop something about it because we love them so much. i hope you get past this as i would get past this. we could be strong about this kruu.   boyzmom: aww that's nice about being a role modl but i dont think so. i have so many bad qualities about me that young people should not follow. i smoke, i drink i swear.(but i dont do drugs.) but i'm trying to be a role model for my younger sisters. that's why i fixing my life.   chaotica: please read my other post to see my pics. and you are right God does not create freaks. i believe everything has a reason and part of His plan for us.
  • kkarnopp said Mar 10, 2007...
    I just wanted to let you know that you are one beautiful young lady who is looking for what she wants in life.  I feel I have gone down that road that you have walked on as far as being pretty or not pretty enough.  I also feel that my relationship with my mom can be rocky sometimes but we get along just fine.  I have a wonderful relationship with my family - it is just those who are not in my family - strangers who do not know me at all.  I have a physical handicap called cerebral palsy but the brain that is inside my head and between my ears works normally otherwise.  Hang in there and be yourself and make yourself happy.  We can not please everyone in life but we can always please ourselvses.
  • husbandhater said Mar 10, 2007...
    Why is their so much stock placed on physical beauty? I was talking to a Philly lady at my job and she went over for a month. I said boy you got such a tan. She says the lighter you are the more beautiful you are considered. And you have to be thin they don't like fattys(she had a small frame). I look at most of the Philly women and their beauty varies with many degrees but alot of them want to diet(especially if they are going home for a visit)and they are already thin and very beautiful. I wish they could see what the rest of us see. And I wish the same for you Queen!   If your mom ever comes at you wrong again tell her where she can stick her comments and how see yourself!
  • queenparanoia said Mar 11, 2007...
    kkarnopp: thank you dear.i know i could start this journey by accepting my past and moving forward for the future. and thank you saying that we should at least please ourselves and not other people. and that's what i'm doing right now. by facing these i could the break the cycle of insecurities and move forward for my life. =) i wish you well...   HH: in our culture skinny is in and people with light skin is beautiful. i know what yo mean about you americans find us filipina's beautiful i waish our culture were like that. i guess it differs from each country. and i want to lose weight for myself. not only for beauty but for my health as well.
  • mom said Mar 11, 2007...
    Queen- I am sorry that your mother said those cruel and mean things to you and those words are hard to escape. Anytime  a mother says or does anything that hurts threir child rather than build up has the problem not the child.  I have told you that you are beautiful, you are not fat. You have a beautiful smile that just lights up your whole face.  When you smile, your eyes smile also. You are what ever you think you are, not what ever anyone else thinks you are.  If you beleive you are beautiful then you will be.
  • queenparanoia said Mar 11, 2007...
    mom: thank you. your words has means so much to me. thank you...
  • mom said Mar 11, 2007...
    Believe it hon :)
  • silverwhisper said Mar 11, 2007...
    queen, i'm glad that you are not a prisoner of your mother's insecurities. that's actually great, and you should be proud of yourself for this--it takes many people a wholelot longer than it's taken you to reach this place. i'm proud for you. ed
  • queenparanoia said Mar 11, 2007...
    ed: yeah it surprise me too to realize that at my age. some women realize this when they have daughters on their own. and its really hard to break this cycle...
  • botoni said Mar 11, 2007...
    Queen.....I so admire you.  You are fighting for yourself and who you want to be.  Do it for you!    What your mom did is sad and I m truly sorry.  I hope you an perhaps find some comfort in believing that she may hav thought she was helping or trying to help.   Keep up the great work and the writing thats coming from your heart.   A thought....maybe walking will help you.  It need not be fast.  It need not be for long even.  Try walking as far as you are comfortable then every week add just a little more. 
  • queenparanoia said Mar 12, 2007...
    botoni: i am actually walking 4 to 5 times a week for two weeks now!!!   and yes i know that mymother just wanted wants best for me. but can she accept the fact that i'm beautiful just the way i am? and her reasons for wanting me to lose weight is because she wants me to be beautiful for others. she thinks i'm ugly. cant she be contented in what i have?   my reason to lose weight...   for my health that's all.
  • botoni said Mar 12, 2007...
    Excellent reason!
  • kichike said Jul 22, 2007...
    Great post. I can totally relate with you. My mother too really likes calling me fat and ugly and she blames me for having low self confidence. I commend you for staying strong and true to yourself.
  • queenparanoia said Jul 23, 2007...
    thanks kichike. welcome to my blog! =)
  • kkarnopp said Jul 24, 2007...
    From looking at your pictures I do not think you are "fat" or overweight at all. I am 205 lbs and I have friends who are heavier than I am but I personally don't think they are 'fat' either. Please give yourself more credit than what you are giving. You are very beautiful!
  • queenparanoia said Jul 25, 2007...
    thank you kkarnopp... =) welcome to my blog!!! =)
  • kkarnopp said Jul 25, 2007...
    You are very welcome. Reading blogs here is worth my time. I know I m not alone in this world that can cruel and not so friendly.
  • queenparanoia said Jul 25, 2007...
    why do you have enemies here in soulcast?
  • kkarnopp said Jul 26, 2007...
    I do not think I have enemies.  I just have people who do not understand who I am and why I m the person I am because they do not know me very well.
  • queenparanoia said Jul 26, 2007...
    oh okay.

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