if you want to thoroughly understand this post please read my previous posts entitled i am more than what it seems and thank you my soulcast readers.
ever since i was small my mother never did told me that i was beautiful. she always says that when i was young i was cute and now i look like a whale. or she always take pride when my classmates were surprise how young my mother looked. my earliest memory of her telling me how ugly i was when i was 10 years old. my teacher wanted me to be the representative for our miss u.n. in school. in the philippines this usally means i have to wear a gown and have to be parade around our community. it is not a beauty contest but the winner is someone who has the most ticket sales for the charity. usually they choose girls who are rich and pretty. my mother was shocked when my teacher told her that i should be the representative. and because my teacher thought i was pretty. that i could be pretty too. then there times when we walked together in the streets and she always tells me to straigthen my back or i shouldn't pout my lips because they are too big. or i should have my nose fix when i have a job someday. or i should lose weight because i'm fat eventhough at that time i was not. or i should be like more of my friends and classmates because they all look pretty and thin.
for years those comments has left some scars on me.
i dont really have a normal realtionship with my mother growing up. we move around a lot. at first we live in manila and then here in iloilo and back and forth. until my mother decided that me and my siblings should stay here in iloilo with grandparents. and i started living here since ten until now.
look i know i may sound ungrateful to my mother but i am grateful to her and my father. i know we were poor and they have to find means for us to survive and have a normal life. i'm grateful to them doubt about it. and i know she loves me but sometimes i feel like i'm not enough for her.
today our life is comfortable than before. we have our own business and we could spend more than before.
but it has gotten worse.
now that i'm 21 she is still doing it. when i was young my siblings always teases me and call me fat. when i tell my mother about this she would said, "that should be your motivation to slim down because you are indeed fat." it got worse i didnt lose weight i gain more.
nowadays she "advices" me on exercise and on diets. she even tells me to take on pills to slim down. she even offered me to have liposuction on me. and i said no to all.
and yes i talked about her that i want to lose weight on my own without the help of that stuff. but she still keep insist.i think she's deaf about this stuff when i tell her about it. she would just turn around the tables and tell me that she just wanted to help and then she makes me feel guilty about it. only to realize in the end that i was the one getting hurt with our discussion. so yes i talked to her all my feeling about this.
she even blamed me about my pimples but she stopped when the dermatologies herself told her that my pimples are hereditary and not my fault. she thinks i'm lazy, fat and slob.
and i am.
it hurts when yur own mother tells you youre ugly. it hurts that when she looked at you she feel pity because people think i'm useless because i'm ugly. it hurts that your own mother tells you that you are missing out because you never had a boyfriend.
i answered her back by saying at least i didn't get pregnant. but she sys it's a shame that no guy likes me.
when my mother was young she was very beautiful and has so many boyfriends and suitors. she was never fat until she got pregnant and she dresses well. she got a big personality that's why many people like her.
but underneath it all i saw something that many people dont.
she is so insecure. and she projected it unto me. i never realize it until i saw a show on oprah about it. and the i realize that she is. she always emphasize what other people will think rather what you think yourself.
i love my mother and we are okay now. i now that even after all of this she is proud of having me as her daughter. she told me so herself. but how i wish that she would not brought me up feeling ugly and insecure. now i'm scared that if i have a daughter someday i might do this to her as well. i have to break that cycle.
that's why losing this weight very important for me. i'm doing this for myself and not for others.
i'm not doing this just because i could have a boyfriend. (but wouldn't it be nice that i had a boyfriend eventhough i'm fat?) or because i could be notice. (well yeah i want to be notice too who wouldn't?)
but i'm doing this for myself. to prove it myself that i could be anything i want to be.
i want to be beautiful for me. and right now i feel beautiful. and no one could take that away from me. =)